Me: It’s his birthday today.
Her: Really? Hmm did you really loved him?
Me: Of course, so much.
Her: Do you still love him?
Me: No.
Her: Given the chance will you love him again?
Me: — I don’t know. MAYBE.
Conversation between me and a friend earlier. And that my dear followers is the reason why we are here. I want to talk about first love, “MY FIRST LOVE.”
Image from Quora
Does first love really never dies? Truth is it does. Mine did. (Not literally though. Lol) Allow me to tell you a story about my first love.
I met my first love when I was 13. I fell in-love with him when I was 15. Well I don’t know if I really did then, afterall what does a 15 year old know about what love is right?. Anyway, I’m 29 now, it’s been what? 14 years? And maybe you are wondering why I’m doing this article. Maybe you were thinking that I’m still in-love with him, but no. I’m not. That feeling was long gone.
So why am I doing this? The answer is CLOSURE. Not with him, but with myself. I never really had a serious relationship after we broke up around 7 or 8 years ago. And it’s not because I’m still in-love with him (or maybe I am? -jk) but because I’m still a prisoner of my pain. Yep MY PAIN. MY SELF INFLICTED PAIN. I actually promised myself not to fall in love again unless he is already happy with someone else. The thing is he never settled. Maybe at the back of my mind I keep telling myself not to fall in-love again until he does. And he did. I did too. But the pain is still here. And I’m afraid it will never go away.
Image is from Google , I just think it’s cute so I put it here. Lol
I have accepted a long time ago that we are not meant to be together. (See the word I used there? ACCEPTANCE-the last stage of moving on.) So yeah, maybe I moved on, but I never really let go.
I still remember every song, every poems I made for him, every places we went, every kisses , EVERYTHING. Good or bad memories I remember them all. And my question is WHY? why can’t I let go? That’s the question that I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time now. He’s not perfect, not even close. He’s really handsome though and he can be so sweet if he wants to. So, is that it? Maybe I can’t let go because I was looking for him in every guy I meet. Or maybe I’m just telling myself not to let go?
Maybe I can’t let go beacause he’s one of my biggest failure, my biggest regret. Him and our son. Yes, we had a son, and he died. You see, I’m not used of being a failure before but since we lost our child everything in my life becomes a failure. I never really succeeded in anything since then. Not in my career or in my personal life. The day my son died was the same day my love for him died as well. I killed it. They both became my deepest wound. The wound that stopped bleeding but will forever hurt from within.
I actually blamed myself for what happened. I was so in-love with him that I put all the blame on me. I chose to not fight for my love for him because I loved him so much that all I wanted is to see him happy, and I know he will never be happy with me. Not anymore.
First love never dies, mine did, because I killed it. My son who is my great love died too. And so is my heart.
I think I know the answer now. I think I know the reason why I can’t let go. It is because I haven’t forgiven myself yet. I’m still blaming myself for losing our child and for losing him.
I’m not sure when I will be able to forgive myself for what happened but with Gods guidance I know I’ll be fine.
For you, My first love, my prince, I’m sorry for not seeing your pain. I’m sorry I was so busy blaming myself and I didn’t see that you were hurting too. And I want you to know, that I’ve already forgiven you for the pain you’ve caused me and I hope you will forgive me too because I chose to hate you just to stop loving you.
I still hope that someday, you will find the love that you deserve a love that will see you, a love that will appreciate the love you can give. The things that I never did. You see? I was so selfish that all I can see is how much I loved you. I was too blind to see the love you have given me. But I want you to know that the only thing I wish for you, is for you to be happy. Please don’t make the same mistakes we did. It nearly ruined us both. Know that I love you so much, maybe not in the same way but you will always be my first love my prince, and nothing can take that away. And someday you’ll find your queen and I’ll find my King and we will both have the fairytale we always dreamed of. A love story that will never end, I guess ours is not a love story afterall.
If there is one thing I learned from all of this, it’s to always have room for mistakes. We are not perfect. We should forgive ourselves for all the wrong things we’ve done and try hard not to make the same mistakes again.
Love leaves a memory no one can steal ,but sometimes, it leaves a heartache that no one can heal. -unknown.
-The night shifter.
P.S; I’m sorry it’s a sad one. 🙂 This is my story that not a lot of people know. I just want to share it to anyone who experienced the same thing and to let them know that they are not alone. Afterall we almost always never ends up with our first love right?
To anyone who’s reading this and has not found the one yet, always remember not to look for the perfect love, we just need the right one. And it will come at the right place, at the right time and with the right person. 🙂
Dear, Luna 